Saturday, September 5, 2009
bittersweet reality
I have recurring dreams of the day we pick up Rerey. I have vignettes outlined in my head with a few variations: the weather, the air quality (guaranteed to be BAD), the mood of our children. I even worry about (i'll be delicate here) rough tummies and bumpy car rides. I imagine the orphanage, the joy of walking out the door...everything!
Today i received an email from a wonderful woman who traveled to the PI to pick up her son. I just have to share what she wrote. I removed names and edited to give her privacy - but this is such a bittersweet picture of the process; i have to share it.
"We arrived at our hotel at 1:00 am slept for 6 hours and then up for breakfast, repack and then our 3 hours long car ride (white knuckle, praying for Jesus to keep us safe and the pedestrians running in the road safe and avoiding throwing up in the back seat!) SO much poverty that we saw along the drive, so many street kids, begging for money, so much filth and danger, ohhh it made my heart hurt. I was glad to get out of the car to arrive at the orphanage.
J is AWESOME!!! So happy, so talkative, English is getting better, so helpful and smiley. Very busy, very very busy! He is the oldest child here and very helpful to the staff. There are 24 other kids here most five and under. There are five babies - twins that are one month but new born size, a 4 month old that is 2 month size, a 1 month old AND a 5 day old baby! I've been able to hold the babies and feed them, sometimes I hold 2 at once because I can't stand to see them cry and the staff is so busy. They have their hands FULL.
I have also been holding and playing with the toddlers and the preschoolers. I've been hugged, kissed, hair pulled, hit, screamed at (by a little one that didn't want me to put him down), hugged again, climbed on and peed on - such fun! Yesterday my heart hurt so bad that I finally had to excuse myself after night time devotions with the kids and go take a shower and go to bed. As good as this orphanage is (and it is FULL of love) the kids don't get the attention that only a mommy and daddy can give and the streets are FILLED to the BRIM with kids and young adults and adults and pregnant ladies that exist on $3 - $5 per day, it's an endless cycle. It's overwhelming to say the least. My heart aches.
On a lighter note - J loves bringing me to his friends, he insists that I help lead nightly devotions with the kids and he is very affectionate to me and some to Lola K. I couldn't ask for any more. He talked to daddy on the phone and said "I love you".
Well enough for now. Tonight is our last night at the orphanage. In some ways I can't wait to leave. To leave the rain and humidity, to leave the crying kids that I can't take home, to leave the cold shower and unfamiliar food, to leave the flies and LONG days (up at 5:30) but in other ways, I want to stay - stay forever to hold these babies when they cry. To play with the toddlers when they want to, to read to the pre-schoolers, and on and on - ugh such conflict in my soul."
Much easier to imagine now, isn't it? It's one of the odd juxtapositions of adoption. This is the breaking of our hearts for children who simply want someone to be "Mommy and Daddy". We want to help the ones being left behind, but want to get our new child home. What makes it worse is the knowledge that there's no way for one family - or in the case of our group, 10 families - to provide homes for all these children.
Now I am imagining driving through the streets of Manila with Rey, Coop, and Henry looking out the windows at the poverty and the dangerous conditions. I imagine their little hearts breaking as we leave the other children behind. 2 kids' relief at the promise of "regular" food...their beds, one child's anxiety at leaving the only life he's known...
Just thinking about it.
Today i received an email from a wonderful woman who traveled to the PI to pick up her son. I just have to share what she wrote. I removed names and edited to give her privacy - but this is such a bittersweet picture of the process; i have to share it.
"We arrived at our hotel at 1:00 am slept for 6 hours and then up for breakfast, repack and then our 3 hours long car ride (white knuckle, praying for Jesus to keep us safe and the pedestrians running in the road safe and avoiding throwing up in the back seat!) SO much poverty that we saw along the drive, so many street kids, begging for money, so much filth and danger, ohhh it made my heart hurt. I was glad to get out of the car to arrive at the orphanage.
J is AWESOME!!! So happy, so talkative, English is getting better, so helpful and smiley. Very busy, very very busy! He is the oldest child here and very helpful to the staff. There are 24 other kids here most five and under. There are five babies - twins that are one month but new born size, a 4 month old that is 2 month size, a 1 month old AND a 5 day old baby! I've been able to hold the babies and feed them, sometimes I hold 2 at once because I can't stand to see them cry and the staff is so busy. They have their hands FULL.
I have also been holding and playing with the toddlers and the preschoolers. I've been hugged, kissed, hair pulled, hit, screamed at (by a little one that didn't want me to put him down), hugged again, climbed on and peed on - such fun! Yesterday my heart hurt so bad that I finally had to excuse myself after night time devotions with the kids and go take a shower and go to bed. As good as this orphanage is (and it is FULL of love) the kids don't get the attention that only a mommy and daddy can give and the streets are FILLED to the BRIM with kids and young adults and adults and pregnant ladies that exist on $3 - $5 per day, it's an endless cycle. It's overwhelming to say the least. My heart aches.
On a lighter note - J loves bringing me to his friends, he insists that I help lead nightly devotions with the kids and he is very affectionate to me and some to Lola K. I couldn't ask for any more. He talked to daddy on the phone and said "I love you".
Well enough for now. Tonight is our last night at the orphanage. In some ways I can't wait to leave. To leave the rain and humidity, to leave the crying kids that I can't take home, to leave the cold shower and unfamiliar food, to leave the flies and LONG days (up at 5:30) but in other ways, I want to stay - stay forever to hold these babies when they cry. To play with the toddlers when they want to, to read to the pre-schoolers, and on and on - ugh such conflict in my soul."
Much easier to imagine now, isn't it? It's one of the odd juxtapositions of adoption. This is the breaking of our hearts for children who simply want someone to be "Mommy and Daddy". We want to help the ones being left behind, but want to get our new child home. What makes it worse is the knowledge that there's no way for one family - or in the case of our group, 10 families - to provide homes for all these children.
Now I am imagining driving through the streets of Manila with Rey, Coop, and Henry looking out the windows at the poverty and the dangerous conditions. I imagine their little hearts breaking as we leave the other children behind. 2 kids' relief at the promise of "regular" food...their beds, one child's anxiety at leaving the only life he's known...
Just thinking about it.
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