awesome people

I have to say the tone of what i have written so far has been a little of a downer. So i thought I'd do a little highlight of folks who have surprised me with their awesomeness. Not that it surprised me that they are so fabulous, but that I took it personally - it just feels nice to be on the receiving end of such treatment, especially considering that i am not exactly the warmest person I know.

I will start with my Dad, who got all misty when we nervously sat at the dinner table and told them that we were going forward with adoption. I am not sure how he feels now - I am sure we'll spend time talking at Thanksgiving - but that moment was really surprising and made me feel like we are making him proud on a certain level.

Then there's Hilary, who has agreed to be involved in our guardianship plan. (How many 28 year olds are happy to sign up to take 3 boys should we get hit by a truck? - oh, she'd get the dog too...) Hilary heard of the adoption, and in perfect Hil fashion has buckled down to the work of learning and asking her myriad questions...and being frustrated that she doesn't even know all the questions to ASK! This is one truly great woman. and she's easy on the eyes too, i might add.

Tammy dragged her family out for shave ice to "run into" us when Rey was visiting - so she could meet him, and has since attended a training at the adoption agency-- and i can see the wheels turning in her head, although Lord knows what is going on in there -- she is one crazy gal, and her enthusiasm blows me away. She's the gal who looked at me after a training class and said "...but you only ever talked about the paperwork..." She is constantly letting me tell her all the dumb things people say to me, and helps me laugh them off. She knows that there is part of me that loves when people are stupid - it makes great stories...

Mary Edith totally gets it and has appointed herself local grandma and is just wonderful. She and Doug are ready to watch the boys (if we wanna go to Manila just grown -ups!) or take care of the dog...and has agreed also to be part of the guardianship plan as a "been there-done that" adviser to Hilary. And i know she's gonna show up with pockets of candy and all that - she's just that way.

Jen wants to give us a "shower" - she just went to one for a 7 year old coming from the Ukrane in which they gave gift certs for clothes and that kind of thing because the kids need everything from underwear to a razor scooter and books and a trip to build a bear! There is a lot to catch up on. She said our friend Barb P. had little quizzes on the country of origin at the shower she gave, and labeled things all over with their Ukranian names. That is pretty cool, and soooo clever, don't you think? But it is hard to think of asking our buddies to participate in this...still, i am totally bowled over by the idea!

Suzanne has an adoptive sibling group of 3 and brought over her favorite books for us to read, and I know will be a terrific resource.
Deanna happily gave up a school night with family to come learn about adoption, Robert watched Henry and Coop while we went to the class.
Laurel tells me that she is just excited that we are doing God's will for us, even though it is hard. And arranged for a Philippino cooking lesson for me in her home!
Dave has offered to go to Manila with us to help negotiate all our kids.
Just yesterday, Leanne and Jodi sent these wonderful encouraging emails with the "keep the faith" message.
Rebekka and Megan always make a point to ask how it's going, and because Rebekka adopted a few years ago, she has some fabulous stories of stupid people. (i get to laugh at them, because it's not my kid. And her attitude is really that they are stupid and we write them off and feel superior.)
Phil is connected to Manila and has been an encouragement in feeling like we could ask questions...
Barbara, the amazing quilter from across the street has offered to make a quilt WITH Rey when he gets here. So he can choose the fabric. Wow.

And i have got to brag on Coop and Henry. They will be the most impacted people, and we never asked them if it was ok. They responded to the idea of adoption with excitement and hoots and hollers. But the reality will be ugly - there's going to be issues of jealousy and attention and opportunities that not all 3 kids get the same treatment. The kids are giving up a lot. But from what they said in their sibling class last week, they do get that this is a blessing for them too. They look forward to 3 boys. overall, i know they are on board!

I am still reserving the right to write about stupid people. If nothing else, we can all laugh at their stupidness. Especially now, before they are being stupid in front of Rey. Even now, they are stupid in front of C & H, and i want to slap them, but i am told that would not be in good form, so i have not done so. but i have wanted to.

But for now, i am just going to bask in the awesomeness. ESPECIALLY as Thanksgiving approaches!

...I was at a loss for words...really!

I haven't updated our trek through this process lately.

Quite frankly, I am not even thinking anyone will read this, i think i am saving my friends from hearing me whine and whine about all the crap that is going on. But i guess i have suddenly developed a conscience, because I have had some conflicts that i haven't known how to handle respectfully. It is different to "put it out there" for anyone to read - especially in semi permanent form - than it is to just complain to a friend.

The truth is that reality is just beginning to set in.

Without going into too much detail, here's the issue: it makes it difficult when people don't support us. It complicates even more when they are close to us. And then all the issues that have been underlying suddenly come to the top. Now we are in a "situation": do I deal with it or just ignore it? How do I deal or ignore? How do I hold back the joy and elation - and the frustration, anger, and grief that this process can elicit? I just don't want to hear "I told you so" when i express anything other than a perfect process.

Here's the deal - this is going to really suck. I has been sucking. It is difficult to handle the paper pregnancy. Complicated to drag out to classes on a school night. Uncomfortable to ask people to make our choice a priority. Nearly impossible to ask for help! (And Rey is not even here yet!) The LAST thing I need is to manage other people's feelings - and worry that i will get "...I told you so...".

There has been no book i have found - no pamphlet, no process that is set to help deal with family and friends that think we are making a mistake. So i am out here - and there's an elephant in the room, and I have got to figure out what to do. Other adopted families suggest cutting folks off if they don't accept "all of us". Harsh, but ultimately, is there another option? We will have to do what is best for all 3 boys - would we allow interactions that ignore any one of them?

I have no answers yet. But here are some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head...

If i were pregnant, would you feel the right to tell me you don't agree?
Do you really expect me to change course with this because you don't agree/understand?
If this decision seems to be a surprise, or not align with what you thought of us, who do you think needs more information - ME or YOU?
Why won't you ask for help understanding rather than assuming you can just tell me you don't agree? (And expect me to just fall in line? Really?)

Yes, there is anger. In all fairness, I have to admit that it is difficult for folks to have a big decision made for them. It is a huge change. And they had no vote. And I assume that they are truly concerned. I imagine it must be difficult to hear me bring up the red tape, the concerns - all that crap, and not have an answer! But you know what? I need to be able to talk to those close to me.

I hope this adoption does not become the memory of when my friends and family disappeared from our lives. It makes it nearly unbearable to handle all the crap going on now. What is going to happen when Rey is here and things are complicated? And they didn't to anything to prepare, and the judgment rolls in? ugh...really, i have got to deal.

I would like to say that i have several friends that have been AMAZING- they have attended classes and listened, and really been helpful...so it's not like we're alone in the world. But you know, certain people are really important...and i want all their support! Thank God for the folks we have in our corner...but i want them ALL there.