Well, it has been so silent over the last few months! I wish i could say that it's because we have been moving and grooving with adoption paperwork and getting the $$ together and all that or traveling to the PI...
but that's not it.
Out biggest slow down has been the recession that gave us the one-two punch starting in October. For a contracted consultant, that spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e! Contracts were suspended and work re-focused and essentially, we went without pay until May. I will not even go into the April 15th "situation", but let's just say it was a dark day.
Thankfully, we had planned for the unfortunate emergency, and did not go into debt in these months. (let me be honest, we could see it from where we were sitting...but we were rescued just in time!) Suffice to say that David has secured work with reliable partners - and as a bonus, he enjoys them. Things are picking up financially, but we are still making up for the several months of "salary sabbatical".
We are back on the horse, applying ourselves to the paper chase daily. My goal is to have everything assembled and mailing to Ellen (a most wonderful social worker in Maryland) by 6/13. I am probably dreaming, as often paperwork involving several parties is s-l-o-w. But a girl can dream.
So it is coming down to money and time. We need time to chase the papers daily through the loops. If you read one of my first entries, it was full of frustration as we fill out the same info in 3 or 4 places...and call around to find that some of the forms are wrong, or that we have to re-do because of work changes...(For example, right now i have 2 forms to folks that have to get them signed and notarized, and returned to me. Then i have 2 applications that are nearly complete, but need a few chunks of info. We are re-doing some financial forms and then re-submitting to our local agency and wait for the fix there - and then when she's done we can assemble and send things to Maryland. I have a grant application (thank GOD) and will work on that today too. Lastly, employment reference letters are due.) And that does not complete the dossier checklist.
So that's where we are. We are struggling for time to do all the million things, there's a lot of "hurry up and wait" and then the overwhelming feeling that if i am not making progress, i just am not trying hard enough. Watching other families come back from the PI with their child is goose bumps and jealousy. And i have a feeling that we're going to need to put on a fundraiser soon. I won't diatribe on this, but i struggle with turning my family into a charity project. And it is hard to hear the "why is it so expensive" comments all the time. I'll discuss THAT later. but i have to say it doesn't matter. We'll pay it to get Rey here.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sunday, November 23, 2008
awesome people
I have to say the tone of what i have written so far has been a little of a downer. So i thought I'd do a little highlight of folks who have surprised me with their awesomeness. Not that it surprised me that they are so fabulous, but that I took it personally - it just feels nice to be on the receiving end of such treatment, especially considering that i am not exactly the warmest person I know.
I will start with my Dad, who got all misty when we nervously sat at the dinner table and told them that we were going forward with adoption. I am not sure how he feels now - I am sure we'll spend time talking at Thanksgiving - but that moment was really surprising and made me feel like we are making him proud on a certain level.
Then there's Hilary, who has agreed to be involved in our guardianship plan. (How many 28 year olds are happy to sign up to take 3 boys should we get hit by a truck? - oh, she'd get the dog too...) Hilary heard of the adoption, and in perfect Hil fashion has buckled down to the work of learning and asking her myriad questions...and being frustrated that she doesn't even know all the questions to ASK! This is one truly great woman. and she's easy on the eyes too, i might add.
Tammy dragged her family out for shave ice to "run into" us when Rey was visiting - so she could meet him, and has since attended a training at the adoption agency-- and i can see the wheels turning in her head, although Lord knows what is going on in there -- she is one crazy gal, and her enthusiasm blows me away. She's the gal who looked at me after a training class and said "...but you only ever talked about the paperwork..." She is constantly letting me tell her all the dumb things people say to me, and helps me laugh them off. She knows that there is part of me that loves when people are stupid - it makes great stories...
Mary Edith totally gets it and has appointed herself local grandma and is just wonderful. She and Doug are ready to watch the boys (if we wanna go to Manila just grown -ups!) or take care of the dog...and has agreed also to be part of the guardianship plan as a "been there-done that" adviser to Hilary. And i know she's gonna show up with pockets of candy and all that - she's just that way.
Jen wants to give us a "shower" - she just went to one for a 7 year old coming from the Ukrane in which they gave gift certs for clothes and that kind of thing because the kids need everything from underwear to a razor scooter and books and a trip to build a bear! There is a lot to catch up on. She said our friend Barb P. had little quizzes on the country of origin at the shower she gave, and labeled things all over with their Ukranian names. That is pretty cool, and soooo clever, don't you think? But it is hard to think of asking our buddies to participate in this...still, i am totally bowled over by the idea!
Suzanne has an adoptive sibling group of 3 and brought over her favorite books for us to read, and I know will be a terrific resource.
Deanna happily gave up a school night with family to come learn about adoption, Robert watched Henry and Coop while we went to the class.
Laurel tells me that she is just excited that we are doing God's will for us, even though it is hard. And arranged for a Philippino cooking lesson for me in her home!
Dave has offered to go to Manila with us to help negotiate all our kids.
Just yesterday, Leanne and Jodi sent these wonderful encouraging emails with the "keep the faith" message.
Rebekka and Megan always make a point to ask how it's going, and because Rebekka adopted a few years ago, she has some fabulous stories of stupid people. (i get to laugh at them, because it's not my kid. And her attitude is really that they are stupid and we write them off and feel superior.)
Phil is connected to Manila and has been an encouragement in feeling like we could ask questions...
Barbara, the amazing quilter from across the street has offered to make a quilt WITH Rey when he gets here. So he can choose the fabric. Wow.
And i have got to brag on Coop and Henry. They will be the most impacted people, and we never asked them if it was ok. They responded to the idea of adoption with excitement and hoots and hollers. But the reality will be ugly - there's going to be issues of jealousy and attention and opportunities that not all 3 kids get the same treatment. The kids are giving up a lot. But from what they said in their sibling class last week, they do get that this is a blessing for them too. They look forward to 3 boys. overall, i know they are on board!
I am still reserving the right to write about stupid people. If nothing else, we can all laugh at their stupidness. Especially now, before they are being stupid in front of Rey. Even now, they are stupid in front of C & H, and i want to slap them, but i am told that would not be in good form, so i have not done so. but i have wanted to.
But for now, i am just going to bask in the awesomeness. ESPECIALLY as Thanksgiving approaches!
I will start with my Dad, who got all misty when we nervously sat at the dinner table and told them that we were going forward with adoption. I am not sure how he feels now - I am sure we'll spend time talking at Thanksgiving - but that moment was really surprising and made me feel like we are making him proud on a certain level.
Then there's Hilary, who has agreed to be involved in our guardianship plan. (How many 28 year olds are happy to sign up to take 3 boys should we get hit by a truck? - oh, she'd get the dog too...) Hilary heard of the adoption, and in perfect Hil fashion has buckled down to the work of learning and asking her myriad questions...and being frustrated that she doesn't even know all the questions to ASK! This is one truly great woman. and she's easy on the eyes too, i might add.
Tammy dragged her family out for shave ice to "run into" us when Rey was visiting - so she could meet him, and has since attended a training at the adoption agency-- and i can see the wheels turning in her head, although Lord knows what is going on in there -- she is one crazy gal, and her enthusiasm blows me away. She's the gal who looked at me after a training class and said "...but you only ever talked about the paperwork..." She is constantly letting me tell her all the dumb things people say to me, and helps me laugh them off. She knows that there is part of me that loves when people are stupid - it makes great stories...
Mary Edith totally gets it and has appointed herself local grandma and is just wonderful. She and Doug are ready to watch the boys (if we wanna go to Manila just grown -ups!) or take care of the dog...and has agreed also to be part of the guardianship plan as a "been there-done that" adviser to Hilary. And i know she's gonna show up with pockets of candy and all that - she's just that way.
Jen wants to give us a "shower" - she just went to one for a 7 year old coming from the Ukrane in which they gave gift certs for clothes and that kind of thing because the kids need everything from underwear to a razor scooter and books and a trip to build a bear! There is a lot to catch up on. She said our friend Barb P. had little quizzes on the country of origin at the shower she gave, and labeled things all over with their Ukranian names. That is pretty cool, and soooo clever, don't you think? But it is hard to think of asking our buddies to participate in this...still, i am totally bowled over by the idea!
Suzanne has an adoptive sibling group of 3 and brought over her favorite books for us to read, and I know will be a terrific resource.
Deanna happily gave up a school night with family to come learn about adoption, Robert watched Henry and Coop while we went to the class.
Laurel tells me that she is just excited that we are doing God's will for us, even though it is hard. And arranged for a Philippino cooking lesson for me in her home!
Dave has offered to go to Manila with us to help negotiate all our kids.
Just yesterday, Leanne and Jodi sent these wonderful encouraging emails with the "keep the faith" message.
Rebekka and Megan always make a point to ask how it's going, and because Rebekka adopted a few years ago, she has some fabulous stories of stupid people. (i get to laugh at them, because it's not my kid. And her attitude is really that they are stupid and we write them off and feel superior.)
Phil is connected to Manila and has been an encouragement in feeling like we could ask questions...
Barbara, the amazing quilter from across the street has offered to make a quilt WITH Rey when he gets here. So he can choose the fabric. Wow.
And i have got to brag on Coop and Henry. They will be the most impacted people, and we never asked them if it was ok. They responded to the idea of adoption with excitement and hoots and hollers. But the reality will be ugly - there's going to be issues of jealousy and attention and opportunities that not all 3 kids get the same treatment. The kids are giving up a lot. But from what they said in their sibling class last week, they do get that this is a blessing for them too. They look forward to 3 boys. overall, i know they are on board!
I am still reserving the right to write about stupid people. If nothing else, we can all laugh at their stupidness. Especially now, before they are being stupid in front of Rey. Even now, they are stupid in front of C & H, and i want to slap them, but i am told that would not be in good form, so i have not done so. but i have wanted to.
But for now, i am just going to bask in the awesomeness. ESPECIALLY as Thanksgiving approaches!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
...I was at a loss for words...really!
I haven't updated our trek through this process lately.
Quite frankly, I am not even thinking anyone will read this, i think i am saving my friends from hearing me whine and whine about all the crap that is going on. But i guess i have suddenly developed a conscience, because I have had some conflicts that i haven't known how to handle respectfully. It is different to "put it out there" for anyone to read - especially in semi permanent form - than it is to just complain to a friend.
The truth is that reality is just beginning to set in.
Without going into too much detail, here's the issue: it makes it difficult when people don't support us. It complicates even more when they are close to us. And then all the issues that have been underlying suddenly come to the top. Now we are in a "situation": do I deal with it or just ignore it? How do I deal or ignore? How do I hold back the joy and elation - and the frustration, anger, and grief that this process can elicit? I just don't want to hear "I told you so" when i express anything other than a perfect process.
Here's the deal - this is going to really suck. I has been sucking. It is difficult to handle the paper pregnancy. Complicated to drag out to classes on a school night. Uncomfortable to ask people to make our choice a priority. Nearly impossible to ask for help! (And Rey is not even here yet!) The LAST thing I need is to manage other people's feelings - and worry that i will get "...I told you so...".
There has been no book i have found - no pamphlet, no process that is set to help deal with family and friends that think we are making a mistake. So i am out here - and there's an elephant in the room, and I have got to figure out what to do. Other adopted families suggest cutting folks off if they don't accept "all of us". Harsh, but ultimately, is there another option? We will have to do what is best for all 3 boys - would we allow interactions that ignore any one of them?
I have no answers yet. But here are some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head...
If i were pregnant, would you feel the right to tell me you don't agree?
Do you really expect me to change course with this because you don't agree/understand?
If this decision seems to be a surprise, or not align with what you thought of us, who do you think needs more information - ME or YOU?
Why won't you ask for help understanding rather than assuming you can just tell me you don't agree? (And expect me to just fall in line? Really?)
Yes, there is anger. In all fairness, I have to admit that it is difficult for folks to have a big decision made for them. It is a huge change. And they had no vote. And I assume that they are truly concerned. I imagine it must be difficult to hear me bring up the red tape, the concerns - all that crap, and not have an answer! But you know what? I need to be able to talk to those close to me.
I hope this adoption does not become the memory of when my friends and family disappeared from our lives. It makes it nearly unbearable to handle all the crap going on now. What is going to happen when Rey is here and things are complicated? And they didn't to anything to prepare, and the judgment rolls in? ugh...really, i have got to deal.
I would like to say that i have several friends that have been AMAZING- they have attended classes and listened, and really been helpful...so it's not like we're alone in the world. But you know, certain people are really important...and i want all their support! Thank God for the folks we have in our corner...but i want them ALL there.
Quite frankly, I am not even thinking anyone will read this, i think i am saving my friends from hearing me whine and whine about all the crap that is going on. But i guess i have suddenly developed a conscience, because I have had some conflicts that i haven't known how to handle respectfully. It is different to "put it out there" for anyone to read - especially in semi permanent form - than it is to just complain to a friend.
The truth is that reality is just beginning to set in.
Without going into too much detail, here's the issue: it makes it difficult when people don't support us. It complicates even more when they are close to us. And then all the issues that have been underlying suddenly come to the top. Now we are in a "situation": do I deal with it or just ignore it? How do I deal or ignore? How do I hold back the joy and elation - and the frustration, anger, and grief that this process can elicit? I just don't want to hear "I told you so" when i express anything other than a perfect process.
Here's the deal - this is going to really suck. I has been sucking. It is difficult to handle the paper pregnancy. Complicated to drag out to classes on a school night. Uncomfortable to ask people to make our choice a priority. Nearly impossible to ask for help! (And Rey is not even here yet!) The LAST thing I need is to manage other people's feelings - and worry that i will get "...I told you so...".
There has been no book i have found - no pamphlet, no process that is set to help deal with family and friends that think we are making a mistake. So i am out here - and there's an elephant in the room, and I have got to figure out what to do. Other adopted families suggest cutting folks off if they don't accept "all of us". Harsh, but ultimately, is there another option? We will have to do what is best for all 3 boys - would we allow interactions that ignore any one of them?
I have no answers yet. But here are some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head...
If i were pregnant, would you feel the right to tell me you don't agree?
Do you really expect me to change course with this because you don't agree/understand?
If this decision seems to be a surprise, or not align with what you thought of us, who do you think needs more information - ME or YOU?
Why won't you ask for help understanding rather than assuming you can just tell me you don't agree? (And expect me to just fall in line? Really?)
Yes, there is anger. In all fairness, I have to admit that it is difficult for folks to have a big decision made for them. It is a huge change. And they had no vote. And I assume that they are truly concerned. I imagine it must be difficult to hear me bring up the red tape, the concerns - all that crap, and not have an answer! But you know what? I need to be able to talk to those close to me.
I hope this adoption does not become the memory of when my friends and family disappeared from our lives. It makes it nearly unbearable to handle all the crap going on now. What is going to happen when Rey is here and things are complicated? And they didn't to anything to prepare, and the judgment rolls in? ugh...really, i have got to deal.
I would like to say that i have several friends that have been AMAZING- they have attended classes and listened, and really been helpful...so it's not like we're alone in the world. But you know, certain people are really important...and i want all their support! Thank God for the folks we have in our corner...but i want them ALL there.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
paperwork hell: obtaining certificates
Okay, I am just going to go on a rant for a moment.
I knew that this process was going to drain me. I was told it would be almost a one year thing... you know, the usual.
But the last few days have been so frustrating !! I had imagined that when the kids went back to school, I'd have a few hours in a row (this is key, as parents mainly live life in snips of time) to get moving on this paperwork. But it seems like i am always finding myself back where i began. Yesterday morning I was so excited that i was finally able to mail off my background check (had to be notarized, of course) to one of the 10 states we have to contact...but i was soon deflated. I started to work on getting my birth & marriage certificates, and my divorce decree from my first marriage. David was doing the same thing.
Initially we were told to get 4, then we were told to get an extra "just in case". then i looked though the dossier and checklists and could only find that i needed one for each of us. And i thought maybe i need one for my passport...so that's two. I emailed around, and was told by a friend doing the same process that she had ordered the 4, but agreed it was costly to do that - especially when you factor in that we have 3 types of documents and 2 people obtaining them. Ugh. I contacted more folks and found that I needed to contact a specific person, and that she's pretty busy...(a.k.a. she won't reply same day) so maybe i should just order 3 for good measure?
I got the forms all printed out...i began to fill them out. guess what? If i mail it in or walk in (out of state by the way) it's free process - at least insofar as the "processing fees & delivery costs". If i fax or call, it will cost me $15 or $20 PER COPY and then another $30 per copy to guarantee delivery & be quick! I'll just opt for the certified mail which is around $5 per copy. It would actually cost LESS for me to FLY TO TACOMA and walk-in to get this paper! I mean, really. Doesn't that seem a bit excessive??
Then there's David, attempting to apply for his birth certificate from NY online - as a security measure, he's asked several questions - one is to remember the sale price on a house he sold 20 years ago. He was on the computer going through their website for a good 40 minutes (seriously) trying to order this thing. He even got to the part where you need your cc...and THEN they told him sorry, you got the question about sale price wrong. He printed out the form to fill out tomorrow, but he has a busy day, and we'll probably have to wait until evening. I am guessing it will be next week until we mail that out.
I did get the idea to see what i could do online, and saw i could order some forms, and i thought the small extra fees might be worth it - so i started to get the divorce decree. I had to know the date of my divorce - which i can't remember. I guessed...I got to a page that tells me that this expensive form is not actually a divorce decree, it's a divorce certificate, which to me is worthless...
So here i am, an entire day later, no further on the path to bringing my kiddo home, just tired. I am frustrated that i just ran in circles. This is the part that takes F O R E V E R!
Ultimately, I have to keep focused. If i feel too pitiful and frustrated, I am not able to make progress. And although i would never ever ever for a minute consider quitting, I don't want to give any sense that it's not worth it. It is totally worth it. I would run circles every day (in fact, i bet i will run circles) to get Rey here.
It just seems that this part doesn't have to be this complicated!
you know??
I knew that this process was going to drain me. I was told it would be almost a one year thing... you know, the usual.
But the last few days have been so frustrating !! I had imagined that when the kids went back to school, I'd have a few hours in a row (this is key, as parents mainly live life in snips of time) to get moving on this paperwork. But it seems like i am always finding myself back where i began. Yesterday morning I was so excited that i was finally able to mail off my background check (had to be notarized, of course) to one of the 10 states we have to contact...but i was soon deflated. I started to work on getting my birth & marriage certificates, and my divorce decree from my first marriage. David was doing the same thing.
Initially we were told to get 4, then we were told to get an extra "just in case". then i looked though the dossier and checklists and could only find that i needed one for each of us. And i thought maybe i need one for my passport...so that's two. I emailed around, and was told by a friend doing the same process that she had ordered the 4, but agreed it was costly to do that - especially when you factor in that we have 3 types of documents and 2 people obtaining them. Ugh. I contacted more folks and found that I needed to contact a specific person, and that she's pretty busy...(a.k.a. she won't reply same day) so maybe i should just order 3 for good measure?
I got the forms all printed out...i began to fill them out. guess what? If i mail it in or walk in (out of state by the way) it's free process - at least insofar as the "processing fees & delivery costs". If i fax or call, it will cost me $15 or $20 PER COPY and then another $30 per copy to guarantee delivery & be quick! I'll just opt for the certified mail which is around $5 per copy. It would actually cost LESS for me to FLY TO TACOMA and walk-in to get this paper! I mean, really. Doesn't that seem a bit excessive??
Then there's David, attempting to apply for his birth certificate from NY online - as a security measure, he's asked several questions - one is to remember the sale price on a house he sold 20 years ago. He was on the computer going through their website for a good 40 minutes (seriously) trying to order this thing. He even got to the part where you need your cc...and THEN they told him sorry, you got the question about sale price wrong. He printed out the form to fill out tomorrow, but he has a busy day, and we'll probably have to wait until evening. I am guessing it will be next week until we mail that out.
I did get the idea to see what i could do online, and saw i could order some forms, and i thought the small extra fees might be worth it - so i started to get the divorce decree. I had to know the date of my divorce - which i can't remember. I guessed...I got to a page that tells me that this expensive form is not actually a divorce decree, it's a divorce certificate, which to me is worthless...
So here i am, an entire day later, no further on the path to bringing my kiddo home, just tired. I am frustrated that i just ran in circles. This is the part that takes F O R E V E R!
Ultimately, I have to keep focused. If i feel too pitiful and frustrated, I am not able to make progress. And although i would never ever ever for a minute consider quitting, I don't want to give any sense that it's not worth it. It is totally worth it. I would run circles every day (in fact, i bet i will run circles) to get Rey here.
It just seems that this part doesn't have to be this complicated!
you know??
Sunday, August 31, 2008
We're doing WHAT??
So this is how it happened for us...
We had always thought about adopting. I think it's been in my head because i wanted to have a sibling when i was a kid, and i wanted my folks to adopt. This never happened - I remained an only child.
When David and I had our first kid, it put in our heads all the kids in the world that need to be in families. We began to do some research on domestic adoptions. After having Henry 2 years later, it became clear that we'd have a longer wait than we thought. Henry is a terrific boy, but not an easy boy. So we waited.
As our boys grew, we became aware of the needs internationally in countries like Liberia and Ethiopia. We looked at an international adoption, but just didn't know how we'd make it happen financially and logistically. We'd have to stay in country for weeks - and Liberia is an unpredictable country. We just didn't have it in us to make it work at that time.
Meanwhile, we had been going through a purposeful change in our lives: we decided to take a simpler path in our lives. We moved from the suburbs to a little home downtown where we could live life on feet and bicycles, and have a little more financial freedom. David changed his employment to work form home, and we now have a life as a family together. It suits us well, but it is a daily battle to say "no" to things and not take on too much.
Fast forward a few years to July 2008. We saw a line item in the church announcements that there were school aged children in Boise through a program of adoption advocacy. We decided to find out more.
We connected to the group and went to an event held as kind of a family mixer - a low pressure way to see all the kids interacting. I know this sounds a little gross: like auditioning kids, but when you think about it, these kids are school aged, and it is as important that their opinions are respected on their potential families as it is that ours are.
This is where we met Rey - he was so great - he "clicked" with us right away. I don't think he had ever seen a balding man (ummmm, sorry David...) because he wanted to rub his head. We went home that night knowing that we couldn't let Rey stay in Manila in an orphanage any more. Even though we didn't have all the money readily available, even though it might take an entire year, even though he'd be going back to Manila to wait...we decided to go forward.
We had always thought about adopting. I think it's been in my head because i wanted to have a sibling when i was a kid, and i wanted my folks to adopt. This never happened - I remained an only child.
When David and I had our first kid, it put in our heads all the kids in the world that need to be in families. We began to do some research on domestic adoptions. After having Henry 2 years later, it became clear that we'd have a longer wait than we thought. Henry is a terrific boy, but not an easy boy. So we waited.
As our boys grew, we became aware of the needs internationally in countries like Liberia and Ethiopia. We looked at an international adoption, but just didn't know how we'd make it happen financially and logistically. We'd have to stay in country for weeks - and Liberia is an unpredictable country. We just didn't have it in us to make it work at that time.
Meanwhile, we had been going through a purposeful change in our lives: we decided to take a simpler path in our lives. We moved from the suburbs to a little home downtown where we could live life on feet and bicycles, and have a little more financial freedom. David changed his employment to work form home, and we now have a life as a family together. It suits us well, but it is a daily battle to say "no" to things and not take on too much.
Fast forward a few years to July 2008. We saw a line item in the church announcements that there were school aged children in Boise through a program of adoption advocacy. We decided to find out more.
We connected to the group and went to an event held as kind of a family mixer - a low pressure way to see all the kids interacting. I know this sounds a little gross: like auditioning kids, but when you think about it, these kids are school aged, and it is as important that their opinions are respected on their potential families as it is that ours are.
This is where we met Rey - he was so great - he "clicked" with us right away. I don't think he had ever seen a balding man (ummmm, sorry David...) because he wanted to rub his head. We went home that night knowing that we couldn't let Rey stay in Manila in an orphanage any more. Even though we didn't have all the money readily available, even though it might take an entire year, even though he'd be going back to Manila to wait...we decided to go forward.
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